I keep a private diary where I whine in whatever language. Sometimes, there's a little more substance, but it's rare. There was a little substance the other day that I thought I'd share. Call it venting, reflecting, pep talk or whatever, it was just something I wrote and didn't plan on showing people.It bothers me to put up personal things, and going from typing in the entry to actually publishing it is difficult - it's taken me a couple of days and some censoring. But I think it's hard to write anything remotely interesting here if I don't go beyond the this-is-what-I-did-todays. I want to talk about life and living life in the world today. It's just not that easy to get personal. That's probably a pretty general problem, and in a society where there are so many demands, how can we possibly deal if it seems like everyone else handles pressure without any concerns? I know I don't.I try to stop and think, and that can help me go from desperate to feeling fine. But I think it's impossible not to feel pressured sometimes.*
Three weeks to exams. Just realised. Freaking out. Gotta work now, gotta work hard. Somehow, it's like I'll be defined by this, by how well I can score. When people remember me afterward, they'll make everything lead up to that score if they know it. I'm not sure I'll want to say it.
I feel out of control, don't know how well I'll do, I've lacked focus, haven't studied properly. Not boding well. I know it'll be fine anyway, this doesn't define me in my eyes but I'm scared this is what I'll be judged by in the future. And it is. Somehow, I think we're all being judged continuously.
How we look, how we act, what we do, how well we do and what others think, those things are always being judged. I think we're here on earth to learn and I do believe in judgement day, so I guess in a sense judgements are fundamental part of our lives.
But there are different judgements, and not all are right.
I think that's another thing for us to learn - whose judgement to trust and to trust not blindly but with reason, using our senses, coming to our senses. When we listen to judgements passed and pass judgement ourselves, I think that's one of the things we fail to do.
I think we can sense what's right if we just stop and feel. But we don't stop, that's the problem. And does it help if one person does? I try to, and I'm not that worried about the exams because it won't define
me, I've done more in my life. But I am worried about what others will think. Am I then perhaps judging myself by others' standards?
I criticise the ideal today: perfect in school, perfect looks, perfect family, perfect social life - but it's still somehow what I strive for, isn't it?
I try to ignore the pressure or at least keep it down so I guess that's why I'm still floating. And sometimes, sometimes it feels like I'm flying. But that doesn't mean I couldn't be close to drowning in an ocean of demands. I try to choose not to, but I'm not a spectator watching others struggle, I'm right there drifting along, trying to seem unbothered. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not. And when the storm comes, I'm kicking and screaming and trying not to go under, just like we all do. I suppose that's what I'll keep doing.
Where life'll take me I don't know, I'm going with it but it is a sea of demands I'm drifting in after all so I guess I have a long ride ahead of me before I know.
It's funny, because what I really want is a man I love and children. What I work with in the future doesn't feel as important. I dream and I aim high and I want to work with something interesting, but I can't help but wonder how much it really matters in the end?
When I'm dreaming quietly, it's about love. It's about dancing in the rain, accidentally knocking someone over, start up a conversation and know that this is it. I dream about romantic love-at-first-sights, or just to be worken up with a kiss or cry on someone's shoulder. I dream of making someone as happy as I can, of being there for children of my own and watch them grow up.
But I can't really say that, not without any reservations, can I? Of course I want interesting work and like I always have, I want to write. I have dreams of excelling in something too and accomplishing things, but why are those dreams seemingly more important? They're not to me.
If I had the relationship and the economy I could've started a family already. If that was okay. But it's not and I'm smart and responsible and a-strong-independent-woman. It's okay to make your own choices and it's great - as long as you make smart choices according to today's norms. Just like how it's okay to be open-minded and it's great - as long as you're open-minded about the rights things according to today's norms.
I'm a Christian woman who dreams of having a family. Two wrongs? It doesn't mean I'm not open-minded and it doesn't mean I don't want some form of career. Still, some type of judgement is made about me, right there.
I dream both literally and metaphorically of having children and being in love some day. It's what I want in the end, but I can't talk about it. I think I want a large family, but how to solve that practically in today's society? It's possible, but I'd probably piss someone off. And as always, I can't help but to be bothered by that.
I dream of someone who really understands me and who I understand in return. I dream of intimacy, mentally and physically, giving everything to someone else, trust them with body and soul. I have a lot more passion in me than people think, it's something I won't share just like that. I'm the same with trust, no good at sharing it. But I dream of being able to trust and really love. I dream of being the one who knows everything about another person and of being trusted fully by a little child as well.
I can face a lot, if the exams are messed up I'd feel bad but I could eventually deal I think. But if I end up lonely or if I never have kids... that's what I can't handle. I feel like my relationships with others define me more than my academic results, naturally, since I value that more. If there's something that could break me, it'd be something like that.
I have a lot of dreams and some of them will be crushed, but I'll try not to let that or the weight of all internal and external pressure crush me. If it does, I'll just have to pick myself back up together.
But til I know what hapens, I'll drift along and try to fly every now and then. I'm not walking on clouds but maybe I will. It's one of my dreams -there are many and many different kinds. I think that as long as crushed dreams don't crush me I'll be okay, I'll never walk those clouds if I stop dreaming.
So as long as I keep dreaming with a smile on my face, it can't get that bad. I'm not supposed to be able to fly, but my thoughts grow wings and I can go anywhere! I dream of the future and it's not only weighing me down. From where I'm looking, everything's bright and the sea of demands doesn't look as threatening.
If I can go here I'll be okay, I can deal with everything else because I can watch it with a bright outlook from a distance. I think sometimes you have to be a dreamer even if you reason too.
I wasn't smiling when I started writing, I am now.
Love,
Alex
