fredag 17 april 2009

Diary notes 13/4

I keep a private diary where I whine in whatever language. Sometimes, there's a little more substance, but it's rare. There was a little substance the other day that I thought I'd share. Call it venting, reflecting, pep talk or whatever, it was just something I wrote and didn't plan on showing people.

It bothers me to put up personal things, and going from typing in the entry to actually publishing it is difficult - it's taken me a couple of days and some censoring. But I think it's hard to write anything remotely interesting here if I don't go beyond the this-is-what-I-did-todays.

I want to talk about life and living life in the world today. It's just not that easy to get personal. That's probably a pretty general problem, and in a society where there are so many demands, how can we possibly deal if it seems like everyone else handles pressure without any concerns? I know I don't.

I try to stop and think, and that can help me go from desperate to feeling fine. But I think it's impossible not to feel pressured sometimes.

Three weeks to exams. Just realised. Freaking out. Gotta work now, gotta work hard. Somehow, it's like I'll be defined by this, by how well I can score. When people remember me afterward, they'll make everything lead up to that score if they know it. I'm not sure I'll want to say it.

I feel out of control, don't know how well I'll do, I've lacked focus, haven't studied properly. Not boding well. I know it'll be fine anyway, this doesn't define me in my eyes but I'm scared this is what I'll be judged by in the future. And it is. Somehow, I think we're all being judged continuously.

How we look, how we act, what we do, how well we do and what others think, those things are always being judged. I think we're here on earth to learn and I do believe in judgement day, so I guess in a sense judgements are fundamental part of our lives.

But there are different judgements, and not all are right.

I think that's another thing for us to learn - whose judgement to trust and to trust not blindly but with reason, using our senses, coming to our senses. When we listen to judgements passed and pass judgement ourselves, I think that's one of the things we fail to do.

I think we can sense what's right if we just stop and feel. But we don't stop, that's the problem. And does it help if one person does? I try to, and I'm not that worried about the exams because it won't define me, I've done more in my life. But I am worried about what others will think. Am I then perhaps judging myself by others' standards?

I criticise the ideal today: perfect in school, perfect looks, perfect family, perfect social life - but it's still somehow what I strive for, isn't it?

I try to ignore the pressure or at least keep it down so I guess that's why I'm still floating. And sometimes, sometimes it feels like I'm flying. But that doesn't mean I couldn't be close to drowning in an ocean of demands. I try to choose not to, but I'm not a spectator watching others struggle, I'm right there drifting along, trying to seem unbothered. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not. And when the storm comes, I'm kicking and screaming and trying not to go under, just like we all do. I suppose that's what I'll keep doing.

Where life'll take me I don't know, I'm going with it but it is a sea of demands I'm drifting in after all so I guess I have a long ride ahead of me before I know.

It's funny, because what I really want is a man I love and children. What I work with in the future doesn't feel as important. I dream and I aim high and I want to work with something interesting, but I can't help but wonder how much it really matters in the end?

When I'm dreaming quietly, it's about love. It's about dancing in the rain, accidentally knocking someone over, start up a conversation and know that this is it. I dream about romantic love-at-first-sights, or just to be worken up with a kiss or cry on someone's shoulder. I dream of making someone as happy as I can, of being there for children of my own and watch them grow up.

But I can't really say that, not without any reservations, can I? Of course I want interesting work and like I always have, I want to write. I have dreams of excelling in something too and accomplishing things, but why are those dreams seemingly more important? They're not to me.

If I had the relationship and the economy I could've started a family already. If that was okay. But it's not and I'm smart and responsible and a-strong-independent-woman. It's okay to make your own choices and it's great - as long as you make smart choices according to today's norms. Just like how it's okay to be open-minded and it's great - as long as you're open-minded about the rights things according to today's norms.

I'm a Christian woman who dreams of having a family. Two wrongs? It doesn't mean I'm not open-minded and it doesn't mean I don't want some form of career. Still, some type of judgement is made about me, right there.

I dream both literally and metaphorically of having children and being in love some day. It's what I want in the end, but I can't talk about it. I think I want a large family, but how to solve that practically in today's society? It's possible, but I'd probably piss someone off. And as always, I can't help but to be bothered by that.

I dream of someone who really understands me and who I understand in return. I dream of intimacy, mentally and physically, giving everything to someone else, trust them with body and soul. I have a lot more passion in me than people think, it's something I won't share just like that. I'm the same with trust, no good at sharing it. But I dream of being able to trust and really love. I dream of being the one who knows everything about another person and of being trusted fully by a little child as well.

I can face a lot, if the exams are messed up I'd feel bad but I could eventually deal I think. But if I end up lonely or if I never have kids... that's what I can't handle. I feel like my relationships with others define me more than my academic results, naturally, since I value that more. If there's something that could break me, it'd be something like that.

I have a lot of dreams and some of them will be crushed, but I'll try not to let that or the weight of all internal and external pressure crush me. If it does, I'll just have to pick myself back up together.

But til I know what hapens, I'll drift along and try to fly every now and then. I'm not walking on clouds but maybe I will. It's one of my dreams -there are many and many different kinds. I think that as long as crushed dreams don't crush me I'll be okay, I'll never walk those clouds if I stop dreaming.

So as long as I keep dreaming with a smile on my face, it can't get that bad. I'm not supposed to be able to fly, but my thoughts grow wings and I can go anywhere! I dream of the future and it's not only weighing me down. From where I'm looking, everything's bright and the sea of demands doesn't look as threatening.

If I can go here I'll be okay, I can deal with everything else because I can watch it with a bright outlook from a distance. I think sometimes you have to be a dreamer even if you reason too.

I wasn't smiling when I started writing, I am now.


6 kommentarer:

Luftmensch sa...

Ideals and ideals; I think a life can become immensely much more interesting once you notice all the - for the lack of a better term - bullshit in society and muster enough brainpower to look beyond the unnecessary ideals.

Most, if not all of us start out at some point with dreams - some have more, some have less of 'em, and it's sad to see people give up their dreams, in the light of spending a lifetime chasing those various "perfections" defined by "the hivemind".

One of the secrets to a relatively happy life is to learn who you really are and really walk your own path in life, instead of pushing yourself to become someone else.

But you know all of this already :D

So don't worry about symbols that people will use to define you (grades, music-taste, looks, etc.) If you pursue your dreams then you're pretty much bound to do or achieve things (on any scale, even if it's just an ordinary act of kindness towards a single person) that'll make for a stronger definition of you than those temporary symbols which eventually will fade.



On second thought I think that chasing perfections isn't a bad idea, unless you let someone else define them for you. We're driven biologically to push ourselves harder once we reach a new "level" in life, so filling up your life with something to go after and improve in (writing, etc) IS important.


it is late and i hope any of this makes sense and doesn't sound like preaching or anything. if it does then jkfdsjdfja sorry, wasn't even my intention.

void sa...

A very honest and lovable entry. There is much in what you write that I recognize in myself. Life is complex and I believe we will never understand it fully. This crisis we are going through is temporary and hopefully its effects will be as well. May we all fulfill our inner dreams. I know this reply is not very coherent. Bye.

Alex sa...

Thanks for your comments =)

"If you pursue your dreams then you're pretty much bound to do or achieve things (on any scale, even if it's just an ordinary act of kindness towards a single person) that'll make for a stronger definition of you than those temporary symbols which eventually will fade."

So, so true. I think how we treat others is, if not the most important then at least one of the most important things in life. And you never know when a small thing you do ends up really making a difference.

I agree that chasing perfection isn't a bad thing in itself, maybe it's more the attitude - "if I can't be perfect I'm no good".

It's good to chase dreams and have ambitions, as long as you have a realisitic approach. I have a whole lot of things I want to do and I have things I want to fight to do. It's impossible win every battle, but trying to be happy with what you do accomplish is important.

Or just battling bitterness, trying to feel somewhat content with what you've got and change the things you aren't happy with. Sounds easier than it is when put like that.

"So don't worry about symbols that people will use to define you (grades, music-taste, looks, etc.)"

You know, that's simple advice, but it's not really much more complicated, is it? If I don't want to be bothered by it, I won't be. Hmm. Will power. Honestly, what can't you do with will power? (rhetorical question)

Your own attitude affects people a lot too, if you act like you "deserve" (not the best word) to be judged for something, it's so much easier for people to judge you.

Wellington sa...

It's always fascinating to read things people have written, thinking they'll never be read by someone else, as it gives a taste of their inner voice and how they speak to themselves.

I see that yours is a bit more appealing than mine. Yours is reasoning, worrying and straightening problems out; mine goes "Want this"; "Want that"; "DO NOT WANT"; and mainly screams incoherently before exams and trials, hoping it will be enough to carry on through to the other side in one piece.

Life, especially in your youth, is a pile of judgement. "OMFG DID YOU HEAR HIM, HE'S NOT WATCHING MELODIFESTIVALEN!" "What the deuce, he won't go to the prom. What's wrong with him?" Things as simple as that. People are good at judging others, it's what we do. I know I do to an extent, but I try to weigh it up by not paying attention to my judgments as they make me feel like a bit of a turd. But if I don't manage to stay entirely open-minded and non-judgemental about others, how can I expect them to do the same about me?

Well, I guess I can't. But as I try not to pay attention to the way my mind passes judgement, there's no reason for me to pay attention to the judgement of others either. I know, I know, I'm giving the clichéd "Go your own way and don't care what people think" and I also know that isn't all that easy to do. But really -- and you say this yourself too -- what else is there to do? If you walk through life with one if your top priorities being not to tick someone off you might very well end up walking a path you don't desire. The only opinions worth considering regarding your person and the way you are, are those of family and close friends. After all, they're the only ones that actually know you, and no real friend would ever judge you by your accomplishments -- or lack thereof.

In being aware of it, you're at least not drifting along all too haplessly. To yourself, your grades won't define you, and that's really all that matters. Your prime need and want in life is not the air castle of social status, faux prominence and career, but love and love in return. If you stick to that conviction, I'm sure you'll lead a very joyous life.

To round off -- really, you're blog posts have a continuous ability to put me in ramblomatic-mode -- on the topic of love, love in return and such, I had a dream about that just this night. I was walking along a beach holding a little girl's hand in my right hand, and with my left arm around the waist of a woman. I only remember the face of the woman -- but that's an entirely different story -- but I still know that walking there, wifey at one side and daughter on the other, the whole world seemed illuminated and a bit brighter.

In contrast, my last dream that involved career and occupation ended up with me getting trapped in my office as all bundles of paper and forms were blocking the door, leading to my starving to death.

Now I'm rambling again. I'll stop. But I really liked your post.

Meng sa...

I don't have a deep and meaningful, page-long comment like everyone else. Possibly because it's two weeks to exams and I just don't feel stable enough to get deep and metaphysical.
It's simply a very beautiful post, very honest and I would probably even shed a tear if this was late at night and I was tired.

Alex sa...

hey, a comment's a comment and I love them ;) That's the sorta thing that sounds very attention-craving to admit, isn't it? Oh well, it's fun to know someone reads this, and that you have opinions on it =) Thanks!